I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
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Alexa, make out with the Roomba
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
j o i m p
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube