I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
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“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles