I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
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I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.