I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
You Might Also Like
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it