I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
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The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing