I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
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I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.