I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
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When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
operators are standing by to ignore your call
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Cake!!
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
