I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
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Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
What the dentist sees
No, he would not have.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing