I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
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Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
i made a craigslist ad !
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.