I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
You Might Also Like
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.