I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
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[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
so weird how every mom was born today
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”