I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
You Might Also Like
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
worst…sale…ever
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.