I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
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Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.