“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim