“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
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Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
eggs benadryl
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.