“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
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If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime