I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
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Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours