I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
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Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?