Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper

me: [from a distance] just open it

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.

Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.