Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.

Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

What do you mean I can’t change the past?

*logs on to Wikipedia*

Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*

Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no