Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips

If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic

I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

What a chick magnet..

Festive toon…

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag

My left hand: imma pet this doggie

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?