Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

(doing standup routine)

Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!

Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

I didn’t mean to gain weight

It happened by snaccident

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”