Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.

Paint me like one of your French girls….

With a big fat croissant in my mouth

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

The internet is full of many things

What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

How does one answer this?

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.