Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not alone. I have ants.

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!

My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.

Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.

Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

[APARTMENT KITCHEN]

GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent

[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]

RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die

RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.