I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
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Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
My favorite female superhero
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Me checking my bank balance online.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you