I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
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Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.