Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.

Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.

Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”