I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
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Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Lmao 🤣
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*