I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
![]()
You Might Also Like
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
![]()
![]()
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?