I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
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Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
“Huge”.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient