I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
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Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Safety first
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
get you a girl who
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
what’s more important?
August 8
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
meanwhile over on facebook
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise