I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
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*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.