I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
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I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Customize Your Wedding.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.