I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
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Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Couple goals
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.