Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?

Aquaman: The what?

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

*deletes your contact information*

Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.

Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever

Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning