I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
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[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…