Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…

Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.

Cool, but now I’m scared…

Me: Raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.

Me: What?

Necromancer: What?

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

Not now. I’m deglazing.

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

#dalle2

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.

Waiter: Any questions about the menu?

Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔