I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
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What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
your honor my client chooses dare
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
this has to be peak English
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever