I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
