Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive