Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

New skill unlocked

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

All. The. Damn. Time.

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

Acronyms got me like WTF?

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”

9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”

If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.

dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked