I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
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If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
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“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
When you “pspspsp” too hard
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*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
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ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.