I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
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Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him