i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
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(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*