Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!

The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone

The sun got the nerve to be out.

Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.