Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.

Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”

Thought “alright musical theatre queen”

Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.

I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

I feel like one of these would kill a European