I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
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Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.