Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?

to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

Kids: the floor is lava!

Me: *slowly rolls off couch*

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.