I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
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ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
no!! no!!!!!!
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying