I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
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The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Me too door. Me too.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Autocorrect is my menesis
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.