Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”

Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down