I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
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my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
me refusing to leave twitter
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.