“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
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me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.