I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
You Might Also Like
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?