Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…

ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time

THERAPIST: In sync?

TOGETHER: *screams*

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.

Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?

Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.