I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Yoga Matt
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my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]