I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?