Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.

Judge: How do you plead?

Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.