I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
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I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.