“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
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When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
shit, they caught us—run!!!
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.