“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
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Did I do this right
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she