“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
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Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas