I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
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Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
socratic questions
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.