I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
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You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me