Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I used the label maker

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

Okey dokey.

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

Me: *making tea*

Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

This joke is 7 years old

I’m having an out of money experience.

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.