i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
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little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
i was baptized in a car wash
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
My life in a nutshell
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.