i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
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I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*