i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
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When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband: