i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
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Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Trumpy Cat
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
The Friday File.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.