I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
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Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.