I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
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I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
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[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Planet of the Apps.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.